Boston Nightmare

Boston fans are preparing this season by doing what they do best: stroking themselves.

After years of inadequacy, the Celtics tripped into ridiculous and undeserved talent and legitimacy. Considering the front office had made themselves a league-wide laughing stock and their superstar ended the season with the competitive edge of a hypochondriac middle-school student, it’s miraculous that the basketball gods could at all reason giving the Celtics relevancy.

As if Boston needs this. The Patriots are playing as well as any football team has ever played. The Red Sox just swept the World Series. The whole town, and anyone who ever had a friend who lived there, is patting each other on the backs and preparing to rub it in to the rest of the nation. I’ve never want to punch a sports fan in the neck as bad as I want to punch the collective neck of Boston sports fans.

But let’s be honest: just because the town, fans, and organization don’t deserve it doesn’t change the fact that having Garnett, Allen, and Pierce on the floor at the same time will provide the most entertaining and effective basketball in the East (remember the Eastern Conference finals last year?).

Maybe ESPN and TNT’s lack of coverage for the Celtics and Sonics has dulled our memory of just how good Allen and Pierce are. They are bona fide assassins with a basketball.

Then there’s KG.

Like Magic, MJ, Rodman, and Shaq before him, KG is one of the few legitimate basketball players with a freakish, once in millennia body. I’ve long maintained that KG should be placed in a government breeding system to create the perfect physical human. Stir in the borderline self-destructive competitive rage that occupies his mind, and there’s a man to be scared of.

For the first time in fifteen years, we actually have to take the Celtics seriously. If it weren’t for legions of Red Sox fans and the steamrolling Patriots, I might be outwardly excited. As it is now, I’ll have to quietly watch and simply be pleased that I won’t have to watch another Cavs/ Pistons shit-show in the Conference Finals, while simultaneously fighting off impulses to fight Boston sports fans all over the country.