The Fantasic NBA

I'm giddy, there's no denying it. But I know I'm in the minority here. So for you nonbelievers who have absolutely no reason to read an NBA blog...

Here are my top five reasons to love the NBA:

5.) David Stern: The man who ruined the playoffs last year, destroyed the physicality of the game, and has slowly eroded the popularity of the sport has ONE thing going for him: he's set himself up (unintentionally, I think) as the best villain the league has to offer. He's getting more insane every year (changing the ball) and clamping down on the players so hard (15 games to Melo for missing a punch) that he's become as unpredictable and combustible as a 5' 6" Jewish 'Sheed. Sheed doesn't even have the balls to be as bad as Stern.

4.) Steve Nash: His competitive drive is threatening to break out of his brain through is eye-sockets. His coach is going to play even faster than last year. He still has the smallest and best supporting cast in basketball. Most importantly, he's the best passer in the game: tied for 1st all-time with Magic and Kidd. And I loooove a nasty pass, especially when it's followed up by a Marion or Stoudamire slam.

3.) The Celtics. Hey, who knows? This could be the next great team of the latter part of this decade, which could lead to years of silly debates over who the best power forward in the game is. Or not.

2.) Michael Jordan. MJ's got a lot of stuff going for him. Homosexually under-toned underwear commercials with Kevin Bacon and Cuba Gooding Jr. (note: I'm not blaming those guys...I'd probably go gay for MJ too). Making and losing a lot of money playing golf and cards. But it must be great hearing any number of young players in the NBA being compared to him and thinking "really? are these people serious? have they forgotten so quick?" Real Basketball fans, along with Jordan, know that Kobe, Bron, Wade, Durrant, and Vince couldn't COMBINE to be as good as MJ was. But it's nice to see them try so I can talk shit about the idiotic comparisons.

1.) Charles Barkley. If MJ was responsible for the league's success in the 90's, Charles is responsible for it now. He's the most popular character in the sport, he's by far the most entertaining, and there's no way that injuries could ravage his season. I'm glad to have him back.


Preseason Picks:
Finals: Suns over Celtics in 6 games
Finals MVP: Grant Hill
Season MVP: Kevin Garnett
Most Improved Player: LaMarcus Alderidge
Rookie of the Year: Luis Scola
Defensive Player of the Year: Gerald Wallace
Sixth Man: MANU!!!!

Boston Nightmare

Boston fans are preparing this season by doing what they do best: stroking themselves.

After years of inadequacy, the Celtics tripped into ridiculous and undeserved talent and legitimacy. Considering the front office had made themselves a league-wide laughing stock and their superstar ended the season with the competitive edge of a hypochondriac middle-school student, it’s miraculous that the basketball gods could at all reason giving the Celtics relevancy.

As if Boston needs this. The Patriots are playing as well as any football team has ever played. The Red Sox just swept the World Series. The whole town, and anyone who ever had a friend who lived there, is patting each other on the backs and preparing to rub it in to the rest of the nation. I’ve never want to punch a sports fan in the neck as bad as I want to punch the collective neck of Boston sports fans.

But let’s be honest: just because the town, fans, and organization don’t deserve it doesn’t change the fact that having Garnett, Allen, and Pierce on the floor at the same time will provide the most entertaining and effective basketball in the East (remember the Eastern Conference finals last year?).

Maybe ESPN and TNT’s lack of coverage for the Celtics and Sonics has dulled our memory of just how good Allen and Pierce are. They are bona fide assassins with a basketball.

Then there’s KG.

Like Magic, MJ, Rodman, and Shaq before him, KG is one of the few legitimate basketball players with a freakish, once in millennia body. I’ve long maintained that KG should be placed in a government breeding system to create the perfect physical human. Stir in the borderline self-destructive competitive rage that occupies his mind, and there’s a man to be scared of.

For the first time in fifteen years, we actually have to take the Celtics seriously. If it weren’t for legions of Red Sox fans and the steamrolling Patriots, I might be outwardly excited. As it is now, I’ll have to quietly watch and simply be pleased that I won’t have to watch another Cavs/ Pistons shit-show in the Conference Finals, while simultaneously fighting off impulses to fight Boston sports fans all over the country.